On this day, June 30th, a mere 28 years ago I was born.

Every 30th of June since has been a complete let down....none more than this one lol

THE TOY BOX- Ode to a place that will never be found

There is a place where things exist.

They are placeholders, emotional placeholders.

We exist to get other folks from one place to another.

We exist to transport the broken and the pained.

We transport them to a better place, but we ourselves never really get anywhere.

We are left behind, we are forgotten. 

Possibly thanked in the short term, but forgotten no less.

We can always be found. 

When you need us we are there, waiting for your love.

Hoping for your love.

We feed off that hope, and will always be waiting for you. Waiting to be found again when others discard you. 

We will be there to pick you up.

We will get you to that next place, that better place.

If you need me, I can always be found. It is a thankless job and one that is completely deliberate yet always painful. I knowingly do this to myself. I knowingly become someones toy to have and hold until the newer model is found. 

I remain in the corner until the next time I am needed, always watching, perpetually smiling, waiting for that next moment. To be picked up and snuggled, to be hugged, to be loved. I wait. I wait until I am again wanted, until the comfort of my worn fabric is needed again. 

I am a constant. I am what some need to get to that next place in life. 

That next person who will fill the void I try so desperately to fill myself.

And as my smile wanes I wish, just once, that I would be that person.

That someone might choose me to fill their void.

That someone might be transported to me instead of away.

Instead of to that better thing, that I become that better thing.

That my void be filled.

Because I have so much to give.

So much to give.

So much to give.

But I place my faith in empty rooms, in empty hopes, in empty thoughts of comfort that will never be mine. I do this knowingly, deliberately, intentionally. 

Over and over I put my heart in others hands who do not have the will to hold it. They do not know what they have in their possession, or they do not care to see what I have really truly given. 

Myself.

My whole self.

My life and soul and whatever it is that makes me a human being.

And so I sit in the corner and wait for the next time I am needed. I wait for that next wonderful ride where I am given a chance to love. Where I am found again, so that I can transport that amazing person to their next destination and watch as their hopes flourish for a time and then fade.

Because I will run far, but that next person will not. That next person will not need you, not want you, not be there for you. But I will.

I can always be found. 

If you want me to stay.

I will stay by your side.

I can always be found.

WTF Wednesdays- High time we stop being low

Undulating emotions.
Highs and lows, but mostly lows.
Its a heady explosion of ego and despair.
Self importance, less indulgence.
I cannot justify, cannot explain.
It only gets better, but now this very second its really not.
Reality closes in for that solitary moment and I wonder.
All human beings are not lonely creatures, we long to be together.
So why can we be surrounded by faces and never really see any detail?

Somber Sundays- Forgetting My Lines

If life is all one big play which we never quite grasp the plot of, then I would receive terrible reviews for my constantly having to glance at the script. Maybe I need to stop trying to "wing it" and actually rehearse for a change, but running everything through a filter just seems artificial and canned to me. I like to believe that what I say and do will always be genuine if I just blurt it out without contemplating the consequences.

Or maybe being impulsive just means I'm always gonna do or say the wrong thing....

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Somber Sundays- Lets take a walk outside..

I can't put a lot of stock into other people these days, and that's ok. I've spent the majority of my "adult" life as half of a whole, never quite able to be myself and without ever really discovering who I am. Though it was a hard couple of years after the split with Miss Mamma it eventually leveled out and, much to my surprise, I began to like the guy I had become.

Now that I am finally comfortable with myself the first instinct was to find someone to share it with...though this task it seems is much more difficult and honestly not entirely necessary. Now that I no longer need validation having a "relationship" isn't that huge a priority. Having good friends is more than enough to satisfy me right now and, hey, if a wonderful person does happen to stumble into my corner of the universe and does not immediately bounce out than why not.

All I am saying is that being a whole person, and being happy with who the person is, can be enough.

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Testy Tuesdays-Where for art thou mind

Direction, we all need it whether we like to admit it or not. Where to go, oh where to go. The mind is a funny thing, you can tell it what it wants over and over, but eventually your own mind can betray you.

In the end your brain knows what you want...and what you need are two very different paths.

Since letting go of what I wanted or rather what I believed I wanted, and letting life provide and direct me itself, doors have begun to open. Life is not the chore I once thought it. I can smile. I can smile and truly mean it.

So plans fall through. Yeah. Plans fall through and...so what? The world never stops spinning, your mind never stops making new plans, lets just keep on going forward. I have had to decide how personal this blog gets recently. Not because I was having issues with it, hell its my life and I like to be an open book no matter the picture it might paint of me, but apparently Miss Mama does not feel the same way. I try not to fib anymore, not beyond the whole "Santa is real" issue anyways, so I give the honest truth when I write and speak. It never really occurred to me that most people do not practice this and would take issue with how I do. So I had to make a decision on whether to censor myself because of Miss Mama and her need for privacy and after mild deliberation I have decided not to.

I am not ashamed of my life, I am a human being who makes mistakes, I am a human being with real emotions, this is my outlet, this is MY STORY. Miss Mama edited me out of hers and that is fine, that is someone else's story. Good and bad, these are my words and my life.

I will not edit something out of my story just because the narrative flow is not all roses and sunshine. I know now that the climax to my story did not end two years ago, that the way the story ends is not with a whimper.

It will not be for a very long time, but I will do my damnedest to end this party with a BANG.

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind

Somber Sundays- Fathers and Fallacy

Three steps forward, two steps back. That is how I feel my life progresses at times. Things change, an aspect I welcome now, but not all change can be taken in stride and I have trouble coping with some of it.

I am told that having a father around is better than none at all, that my being there for Bug and Bubbas is enough. Even if I am not fantastically wealthy, incredibly smart, or particularly good at anything at all. There are moments where I truly believe this, but those moments are made fewer and fewer with Miss Mammas new attitude.

I know that I should not pay any mind to what she says, that doing my best is all I should worry about, but when you give someone so much power for years of your life it is quite hard to reclaim that power. She really did make me believe we were friends, and would remain friends for the rest of our days. That we could raise the children together, enjoying their lives side by side, even if we could not enjoy each others lives the way we used to.

I was able to accept the moving on aspect of things given enough time. To be fair I had no real choice in the matter, once someone has decided to let you go there really is nothing you can do, but I was content with having a wonderful friendship.

This, of course, was just another misleading fallacy that Miss Mamma dangled in front of me. Yet another means to whatever end she has cooked up with little regard for anyone else. I should be used to this kind of thing by now, and in a way I am. The sudden change in how she acts is surprising, yes, but I find myself less shocked and more expecting. When it occurs I just shrug and say "Well that just happened" because honestly I know deep down that this person really does not care, but I always hold out hope that it could change.

So I continue on, offering my support for when it is eventually needed, which is just a matter of time. 
But seriously I doubt how much the kids need this man around who their mother calls useless, broke, selfish, ignorant. Can having a father who loves you with all his heart and wants nothing more than to be present in your life, but according to their mother contributes little else, really be all that helpful?

I wish I knew the answer.

WTF Wednesdays- At others expense

I would consider myself a very nice person, sometimes to a fault considering how some people walk all over me. Though this is how I would like to be all the time I also admit that I can sometimes be an ass to people and not really notice. I spend much of my time by myself so much of my more undesirable commentary generally goes unnoticed but occassionally I am actually around people when a joke goes particularly bad. Even more rare is that I have someone near that might call me on my shit....which happend just yesturday on a beautiful hike through the boulder woods.

There were three of us hiking together and having a wonderful time doing very stereotypically Boulder activities when an older gentleman came jogging from behind us. The man, who had to be pushing 65 years of age, was very polite and said excuse me as he passed so of course I proceeded to make fun of the way he was running in a cartoony motion. No normally this behaivor would go unchecked and I would go on being a smug jerk, but not today. As I turned with a big self appreciating smile on my face I realized my hiking partners did not share the same glee I got out of unjustly poking fun at a complete stranger. I mentioned how humorous my joke must have been, to which one friend looked me dead in the eyes and replied "Actually I thought it was quite rude".

I was quite shocked, not because of what was said, but because I knew instantly that I was in fact being incredibly rude. I became suddenly embaressed and was at a complete loss for words, I wanted to apologize but to whom should I do it? To the gentleman who was the butt of my joke or to my friends who had to witness it?

Even though the jogger could not hear or see my off color joke, he was still a person and no person deserves to be treated that way, I know this better than some, yet I still find myself doing it to others. It was a very refreshing experience to be around someone who is so honest and straight forward that they will tell you how it is without hesitation, I appreciated it.

I quote George Carlin from "Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure" when he says "Be Excellent to eachother".

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