THE TOY BOX- Ode to a place that will never be found

There is a place where things exist.

They are placeholders, emotional placeholders.

We exist to get other folks from one place to another.

We exist to transport the broken and the pained.

We transport them to a better place, but we ourselves never really get anywhere.

We are left behind, we are forgotten. 

Possibly thanked in the short term, but forgotten no less.

We can always be found. 

When you need us we are there, waiting for your love.

Hoping for your love.

We feed off that hope, and will always be waiting for you. Waiting to be found again when others discard you. 

We will be there to pick you up.

We will get you to that next place, that better place.

If you need me, I can always be found. It is a thankless job and one that is completely deliberate yet always painful. I knowingly do this to myself. I knowingly become someones toy to have and hold until the newer model is found. 

I remain in the corner until the next time I am needed, always watching, perpetually smiling, waiting for that next moment. To be picked up and snuggled, to be hugged, to be loved. I wait. I wait until I am again wanted, until the comfort of my worn fabric is needed again. 

I am a constant. I am what some need to get to that next place in life. 

That next person who will fill the void I try so desperately to fill myself.

And as my smile wanes I wish, just once, that I would be that person.

That someone might choose me to fill their void.

That someone might be transported to me instead of away.

Instead of to that better thing, that I become that better thing.

That my void be filled.

Because I have so much to give.

So much to give.

So much to give.

But I place my faith in empty rooms, in empty hopes, in empty thoughts of comfort that will never be mine. I do this knowingly, deliberately, intentionally. 

Over and over I put my heart in others hands who do not have the will to hold it. They do not know what they have in their possession, or they do not care to see what I have really truly given. 

Myself.

My whole self.

My life and soul and whatever it is that makes me a human being.

And so I sit in the corner and wait for the next time I am needed. I wait for that next wonderful ride where I am given a chance to love. Where I am found again, so that I can transport that amazing person to their next destination and watch as their hopes flourish for a time and then fade.

Because I will run far, but that next person will not. That next person will not need you, not want you, not be there for you. But I will.

I can always be found. 

If you want me to stay.

I will stay by your side.

I can always be found.

WTF Wednesdays- High time we stop being low

Undulating emotions.
Highs and lows, but mostly lows.
Its a heady explosion of ego and despair.
Self importance, less indulgence.
I cannot justify, cannot explain.
It only gets better, but now this very second its really not.
Reality closes in for that solitary moment and I wonder.
All human beings are not lonely creatures, we long to be together.
So why can we be surrounded by faces and never really see any detail?

Somber Sundays- Forgetting My Lines

If life is all one big play which we never quite grasp the plot of, then I would receive terrible reviews for my constantly having to glance at the script. Maybe I need to stop trying to "wing it" and actually rehearse for a change, but running everything through a filter just seems artificial and canned to me. I like to believe that what I say and do will always be genuine if I just blurt it out without contemplating the consequences.

Or maybe being impulsive just means I'm always gonna do or say the wrong thing....

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Somber Sundays- Lets take a walk outside..

I can't put a lot of stock into other people these days, and that's ok. I've spent the majority of my "adult" life as half of a whole, never quite able to be myself and without ever really discovering who I am. Though it was a hard couple of years after the split with Miss Mamma it eventually leveled out and, much to my surprise, I began to like the guy I had become.

Now that I am finally comfortable with myself the first instinct was to find someone to share it with...though this task it seems is much more difficult and honestly not entirely necessary. Now that I no longer need validation having a "relationship" isn't that huge a priority. Having good friends is more than enough to satisfy me right now and, hey, if a wonderful person does happen to stumble into my corner of the universe and does not immediately bounce out than why not.

All I am saying is that being a whole person, and being happy with who the person is, can be enough.

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Somber Sundays- Fathers and Fallacy

Three steps forward, two steps back. That is how I feel my life progresses at times. Things change, an aspect I welcome now, but not all change can be taken in stride and I have trouble coping with some of it.

I am told that having a father around is better than none at all, that my being there for Bug and Bubbas is enough. Even if I am not fantastically wealthy, incredibly smart, or particularly good at anything at all. There are moments where I truly believe this, but those moments are made fewer and fewer with Miss Mammas new attitude.

I know that I should not pay any mind to what she says, that doing my best is all I should worry about, but when you give someone so much power for years of your life it is quite hard to reclaim that power. She really did make me believe we were friends, and would remain friends for the rest of our days. That we could raise the children together, enjoying their lives side by side, even if we could not enjoy each others lives the way we used to.

I was able to accept the moving on aspect of things given enough time. To be fair I had no real choice in the matter, once someone has decided to let you go there really is nothing you can do, but I was content with having a wonderful friendship.

This, of course, was just another misleading fallacy that Miss Mamma dangled in front of me. Yet another means to whatever end she has cooked up with little regard for anyone else. I should be used to this kind of thing by now, and in a way I am. The sudden change in how she acts is surprising, yes, but I find myself less shocked and more expecting. When it occurs I just shrug and say "Well that just happened" because honestly I know deep down that this person really does not care, but I always hold out hope that it could change.

So I continue on, offering my support for when it is eventually needed, which is just a matter of time. 
But seriously I doubt how much the kids need this man around who their mother calls useless, broke, selfish, ignorant. Can having a father who loves you with all his heart and wants nothing more than to be present in your life, but according to their mother contributes little else, really be all that helpful?

I wish I knew the answer.

Thankful Thursdays

Of all the things in the world I am enjoying at this moment there is one in particular that I do not give nearly enough credit and that is the state of Colorado. Yes I can and probably will mine this very broad subject for blog postings in the nearish future but for now I must say that Colorado as a whole is owed many a thank you from The Blake and today is that day.

Though moving here had been the plan a few years prior to it ever happening I had put it off over and over, after all thats a huge life change and it was not until my life essentially ended in California that I was able to start over here. Scary as that was I have almost no regrets of the location change and I wake every morning renewed with possibility and excitement. Even after nearly a year of living in Colorado I am constantly coming across new and amazing experiences with so much more to look forward to. I have only explored an incredibly small amount portion of Colorado so far and I am itching to get out there and see it all despite knowing that will take decades if not the rest of my lifetime. And though I still plan on visiting far off exotic locales I never forget that new experiences are right around the corner right where I am, all I have to do is be ready for them and keep my eyes open.

And the people of this great state! It is true that there have been some rude folks since moving here but I could say that about anywhere, but after meeting and making new friends and acquaintances whom I am genuinely intrigued and inspired by I am certain that there is no other place these people could exist. Traveling just minutes from Longmont, my now home town, I come to my new favorite city of Boulder. A place so filled with energy and creativity that just walking down the street gives me a new and wonderful experience. Random people strike up conversations and debates along Pearl, an act that might warrant harassment charges in California. The atmosphere is great I could think of no better place for me to raise Bug and Bubbas as the liberally open minded human beings I hope for them to become.

Though I have encountered sadness and maybe a smidge of loneliness since coming here I will never look back on the decision as anything less than a blessing. I needed a new life in a new place and what I got was an entirely new outlook on the universe and everything it contains. So on this day I say thank you Colorado, when I came here I was empty and with your help I am on a journey I no longer want to end.

Testy Tuesdays- Changing Formats!

I did mention this might happen, a slight change in format mainly due to my inability to stay focused and such.

So anyways I have decided to do away with tasty Tuesdays, it had a good run but the whole recipe thing started to run out of steam partly due to the sporadic nature of my eating habits and partly because I dont think many people care about my bizarre food. So instead I introduce "Testy Tuesdays", dedicated to whatever the frick I want. It will be my wild card day where anything can happen and gosh do I wish that was as exciting as I am making it out to be but lets face it folks, Blake's life isn't all that interesting....yet! Now for the updated schedule of awesome I got going on for this here interweb writing thingy:

Somber Sundays- My day to dig deep into my psyche and wonder why things are and basically be Emo

Minecraft Mondays- Me being visually creative, usually a comic or piece of art

Testy Tuesdays- The wild card, it could be anything! What will it be next week, I dont even know!?

WTF Wednesdays- Me pondering the fracked up things I come across in life

Thankful Thursdays- My day to be utterly positive and talk about what I am thankful for

Fiction Fridays- Short and ongoing stories I write and you(hopefully)read!

Synopsis Saturdays- I review or reflect on something cool or interesting

As always thanks for the traffic and I hope to entertain you at least a little with my random musings. More to come and I cant wait to get some feedback! Oh and dont forget to check out my links on the side as well as the other Blogs I follow.

If you have kids, enjoy a laugh!

Minecraft Mondays- Zombies

Still loving these Softer World strips, I think I will parody them some more! Zombie love makes my heart all a flutter, trying to turn this idea into something more...

Thankful Thursdays- Physicality of emotionality

I'm thankful on this day for many things. I am thankful for my overall health, I am thankful for a stable job, but most of all at this very moment I am thankful for my sanity.

Its a funny thing to be thankful of some might say but obviously those folks have never experienced a true mental "breakdown", the losing of ones self as they know it for reasons that are never quite clear, even after clarity is attained(or the illusion of it in any case). Though I definitely still encounter moments when I feel like things are not quite OK I have not questioned my mental health in a long time.

Not being sure of yourself is one of the true pains in life, no one ever wants to doubt themselves yet many walk through this world constantly unsure of the decisions and emotions they experience. It goes even deeper when you realize the physical manifestations of these doubt are so all inclusive that you can literally make yourself ill with negative feelings. This is something I have come to realize all too late and have only recently started to understand. A negative attitude begets a negative metabolism and vice versa, striking the balance between these too mechanisms in your body is key to a happy life.

So even though I have not always paid close enough attention to both aspects of my body, the emotional and physical aspects, its never too late to bring them both up to speed. I am physically happy with my body and I am trying my best to keep it healthy and in running order, and I am also emotionally stable in a way that I most likely have never been. I know what I want from life and who I want to be, even if there are some that might want to keep doubt in my mind due to their own insecurities and issues.

So here's to the future, may it be bright and shiny and full of fluffy pandas and may I never doubt my self worth again.

Minecraft Mondays

I have become mildly obsessed with the website A Softer World as of late. It features these short three panel haiku style comic strips, here is my attempt at it. Photo credits are mine but the format is directly cribbed from their works. Thanks to my 3 models Charlie, Lucy, and Veronica (in that order).

Thankful Thursdays

Seven years and nine months ago I successfully procreated and produced a small female child whom I will refer to as Bugaboo. Now this is an interesting life development for more than just the obvious reasons due to me previously being against multiplying. This was not so much a noble decision as it was out of fear, fear that I myself would become like my parents which near the end of my childhood days were less than decent. I was under the belief that I would make a terrible father and a child would be better off not existing than to suffer through what I had for a large portion of my life. That all changed the second my little girl was brought into this world and even further solidified by the arrival of my Son two years later whom we shall call Bubbas. I am far from perfect, in fact my father skills aren't so much "Leave it to Beaver" as they are Homer Simpson, but gosh do I love my babies. And in the end it might not even be them who gets the most out of the deal for I have grown and changed and become an honest to goodness man because of my children. They have changed my life in every aspect and beyond the constant picking up of sharp plastic objects peppered like mines throughout my home I would call them perfect little people. So on this day I thank my Bugaboo and Bubbas for making life worth living everyday, there is nothing more wonderful than to see you smile and hear you say with unflinching conviction that you love me. Now please, I will give you ice cream if you could only just pick up your darn toys.....

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