Testy Tuesdays-Where for art thou mind

Direction, we all need it whether we like to admit it or not. Where to go, oh where to go. The mind is a funny thing, you can tell it what it wants over and over, but eventually your own mind can betray you.

In the end your brain knows what you want...and what you need are two very different paths.

Since letting go of what I wanted or rather what I believed I wanted, and letting life provide and direct me itself, doors have begun to open. Life is not the chore I once thought it. I can smile. I can smile and truly mean it.

So plans fall through. Yeah. Plans fall through and...so what? The world never stops spinning, your mind never stops making new plans, lets just keep on going forward. I have had to decide how personal this blog gets recently. Not because I was having issues with it, hell its my life and I like to be an open book no matter the picture it might paint of me, but apparently Miss Mama does not feel the same way. I try not to fib anymore, not beyond the whole "Santa is real" issue anyways, so I give the honest truth when I write and speak. It never really occurred to me that most people do not practice this and would take issue with how I do. So I had to make a decision on whether to censor myself because of Miss Mama and her need for privacy and after mild deliberation I have decided not to.

I am not ashamed of my life, I am a human being who makes mistakes, I am a human being with real emotions, this is my outlet, this is MY STORY. Miss Mama edited me out of hers and that is fine, that is someone else's story. Good and bad, these are my words and my life.

I will not edit something out of my story just because the narrative flow is not all roses and sunshine. I know now that the climax to my story did not end two years ago, that the way the story ends is not with a whimper.

It will not be for a very long time, but I will do my damnedest to end this party with a BANG.

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind

Somber Sundays- Fathers and Fallacy

Three steps forward, two steps back. That is how I feel my life progresses at times. Things change, an aspect I welcome now, but not all change can be taken in stride and I have trouble coping with some of it.

I am told that having a father around is better than none at all, that my being there for Bug and Bubbas is enough. Even if I am not fantastically wealthy, incredibly smart, or particularly good at anything at all. There are moments where I truly believe this, but those moments are made fewer and fewer with Miss Mammas new attitude.

I know that I should not pay any mind to what she says, that doing my best is all I should worry about, but when you give someone so much power for years of your life it is quite hard to reclaim that power. She really did make me believe we were friends, and would remain friends for the rest of our days. That we could raise the children together, enjoying their lives side by side, even if we could not enjoy each others lives the way we used to.

I was able to accept the moving on aspect of things given enough time. To be fair I had no real choice in the matter, once someone has decided to let you go there really is nothing you can do, but I was content with having a wonderful friendship.

This, of course, was just another misleading fallacy that Miss Mamma dangled in front of me. Yet another means to whatever end she has cooked up with little regard for anyone else. I should be used to this kind of thing by now, and in a way I am. The sudden change in how she acts is surprising, yes, but I find myself less shocked and more expecting. When it occurs I just shrug and say "Well that just happened" because honestly I know deep down that this person really does not care, but I always hold out hope that it could change.

So I continue on, offering my support for when it is eventually needed, which is just a matter of time. 
But seriously I doubt how much the kids need this man around who their mother calls useless, broke, selfish, ignorant. Can having a father who loves you with all his heart and wants nothing more than to be present in your life, but according to their mother contributes little else, really be all that helpful?

I wish I knew the answer.

Somber Sundays- That great blue yonder

And so I continue on this journey rather aimlessly, always on the look out for an opportunity but never quite able to hold onto the ones I find. I vaguely remember sharing my life with another and it being a wonderful thing, conversations were not constant but the feeling of being together made silence joyful rather than awkward.

I am constantly confused by Miss Mamma and her many contradicting signs and signals, and the rise and fall of my chances with Miss amazing was an eye opening lesson in how not to let hope get the best of me, and throughout all this I attempt to remain optimistic because you never know whats just around the bend of life.

People, places, objects, hopes, dreams, all are interchangeable and come just as fast as they appeared. I am finding it hard to let anyone in for fear that when I do they just disappear. Though this may sound bleak at the moment it is completely appropriate.

I have been told by a few women now that I am a completely wonderful guy, but I am told this while essentially being rejected which defeats the purpose of the message and makes me really wonder what exactly is so wrong with me? This might have to be the subject of another Somber Sunday because I am seriously done with feeling sorry for myself this week.

Williams OUT

WTF Wednesdays- Anger and hypocrisy

So its time for me to really let loose on something, to get super angry at a particular aspect of my life. Small children and sensitive people should leave the room cause, yes, this shits about to get real.

I am divorced. No secret really, but generally I don't mention it in passing conversation cause then it brings up funny awkward questions like "so why did it happen?" and "so why did it happen?". The truth is everything was my fault and I went through a very self destructive time proving that I did not deserve happiness and such so talking about it over and over again is not my idea of a good time. Now this is where people get a little confused, me and my Ex are actually very good friends and do quite a bit together. We have made peace (more or less) with what has happened and attempted to move on.....or so I thought.

A few months ago I found out rather harshly that she was dating someone for quite some time but lied directly to my face about it for no reason at all other than she likes her privacy. That's cool I suppose, after all I am just a friend, but when things started to go bad with this dude and I was seriously concerned when her emotional state resembled a schizophrenic with Downs I think it might have been good to know what the hell was happening. For Bug and Bubbas if nothing else. So when confirmed by a mutual friend and then confronted of course she is going to flip out on me for not respecting her privacy, right? So yeah that was a blast!

Fast forward a few months and everything is fine and dandy. Mind you I have not dated for a long time, since the infamous fuck up, and have not really attempted to for fear of being an emotional basket case and the like. So I seriously did not expect someone amazing to show up in my life almost at random, it was not planned and I am still in shock. Now that's not really the issue, in fact its such a non issue that I wouldn't have said anything had it not been so integral to my subject. The issue is hypocrisy.

So I do my Ex the courtesy of telling her I got a date. Did I mention that this girl was so out of my league I was utterly flabbergasted she would bat an eye at me, no because I am sane and like my genitals exactly where they are. But I did tell her so she didn't find out in the same horrible manner that I had not too long ago. Everything is kosher right? Oh hells-to-the-no, this is where shit gets crazy with a capital WTF.

I am treated like the piece of shit she thinks I am, she cries about how I just dont understand and never will because of what I did two years ago, and then tells me I don't need to worry about taking care of the kids cause they obviously aren't my problem. Ummm excuse me? How does this have anything to do with my babies? In fact shouldn't she be grateful that I have been utterly ecstatic about life and all that good stuff since...you know...I met miss amazing? Apparently not. And how might me going on a date be any different than what she did other than the fact that I was honest and genuinely care about the person I am interested in?

Short answer, its fucking not!

So let me be happy and stop trying to unload your baggage on me, I have paid for my mistakes and then some.