Somber Sundays- That great blue yonder

And so I continue on this journey rather aimlessly, always on the look out for an opportunity but never quite able to hold onto the ones I find. I vaguely remember sharing my life with another and it being a wonderful thing, conversations were not constant but the feeling of being together made silence joyful rather than awkward.

I am constantly confused by Miss Mamma and her many contradicting signs and signals, and the rise and fall of my chances with Miss amazing was an eye opening lesson in how not to let hope get the best of me, and throughout all this I attempt to remain optimistic because you never know whats just around the bend of life.

People, places, objects, hopes, dreams, all are interchangeable and come just as fast as they appeared. I am finding it hard to let anyone in for fear that when I do they just disappear. Though this may sound bleak at the moment it is completely appropriate.

I have been told by a few women now that I am a completely wonderful guy, but I am told this while essentially being rejected which defeats the purpose of the message and makes me really wonder what exactly is so wrong with me? This might have to be the subject of another Somber Sunday because I am seriously done with feeling sorry for myself this week.

Williams OUT

Somber Sundays- Socially Antisocial

I have always been rather socially awkward and knowing this makes me very self conscious about how I act in front of people, specifically people I do not want to be awkward in front of. Eventually I get over my issues and just become myself, but generally its too late and I get written off as weird or worse....boring. Now I believe I am pretty darn interesting and sometimes my social issues can be written off as "quirky" or even "cute" to a ridiculously small percentage of the human race, but to the few people I decide to "let in" this is rarely the case. So why is it that I cant just let loose and be all the Blakely I can be right off the bat instead of whatever it is I am? Well honestly if I could answer that question I would not be typing this now would I? I have been to a few therapists in my life time, not consistently mind you, but I like to believe telling some douche with a degree issues I know exist would not help. Not that psychologists are unable to help people, just not myself personally. So I attempt to get through life on my own, adjusting my attitude and tweaking my neurosis as I go. Now if only this would help me with the aforementioned meeting, and subsequent keeping, of new people in my life.

Whatever though, Netflix will never judge me. Hmm, perhaps I have stumbled upon my next Thankful Thursday....

WTF Wednesdays- Anger and hypocrisy

So its time for me to really let loose on something, to get super angry at a particular aspect of my life. Small children and sensitive people should leave the room cause, yes, this shits about to get real.

I am divorced. No secret really, but generally I don't mention it in passing conversation cause then it brings up funny awkward questions like "so why did it happen?" and "so why did it happen?". The truth is everything was my fault and I went through a very self destructive time proving that I did not deserve happiness and such so talking about it over and over again is not my idea of a good time. Now this is where people get a little confused, me and my Ex are actually very good friends and do quite a bit together. We have made peace (more or less) with what has happened and attempted to move on.....or so I thought.

A few months ago I found out rather harshly that she was dating someone for quite some time but lied directly to my face about it for no reason at all other than she likes her privacy. That's cool I suppose, after all I am just a friend, but when things started to go bad with this dude and I was seriously concerned when her emotional state resembled a schizophrenic with Downs I think it might have been good to know what the hell was happening. For Bug and Bubbas if nothing else. So when confirmed by a mutual friend and then confronted of course she is going to flip out on me for not respecting her privacy, right? So yeah that was a blast!

Fast forward a few months and everything is fine and dandy. Mind you I have not dated for a long time, since the infamous fuck up, and have not really attempted to for fear of being an emotional basket case and the like. So I seriously did not expect someone amazing to show up in my life almost at random, it was not planned and I am still in shock. Now that's not really the issue, in fact its such a non issue that I wouldn't have said anything had it not been so integral to my subject. The issue is hypocrisy.

So I do my Ex the courtesy of telling her I got a date. Did I mention that this girl was so out of my league I was utterly flabbergasted she would bat an eye at me, no because I am sane and like my genitals exactly where they are. But I did tell her so she didn't find out in the same horrible manner that I had not too long ago. Everything is kosher right? Oh hells-to-the-no, this is where shit gets crazy with a capital WTF.

I am treated like the piece of shit she thinks I am, she cries about how I just dont understand and never will because of what I did two years ago, and then tells me I don't need to worry about taking care of the kids cause they obviously aren't my problem. Ummm excuse me? How does this have anything to do with my babies? In fact shouldn't she be grateful that I have been utterly ecstatic about life and all that good stuff since...you know...I met miss amazing? Apparently not. And how might me going on a date be any different than what she did other than the fact that I was honest and genuinely care about the person I am interested in?

Short answer, its fucking not!

So let me be happy and stop trying to unload your baggage on me, I have paid for my mistakes and then some.