Somber Sundays- Fathers and Fallacy

Three steps forward, two steps back. That is how I feel my life progresses at times. Things change, an aspect I welcome now, but not all change can be taken in stride and I have trouble coping with some of it.

I am told that having a father around is better than none at all, that my being there for Bug and Bubbas is enough. Even if I am not fantastically wealthy, incredibly smart, or particularly good at anything at all. There are moments where I truly believe this, but those moments are made fewer and fewer with Miss Mammas new attitude.

I know that I should not pay any mind to what she says, that doing my best is all I should worry about, but when you give someone so much power for years of your life it is quite hard to reclaim that power. She really did make me believe we were friends, and would remain friends for the rest of our days. That we could raise the children together, enjoying their lives side by side, even if we could not enjoy each others lives the way we used to.

I was able to accept the moving on aspect of things given enough time. To be fair I had no real choice in the matter, once someone has decided to let you go there really is nothing you can do, but I was content with having a wonderful friendship.

This, of course, was just another misleading fallacy that Miss Mamma dangled in front of me. Yet another means to whatever end she has cooked up with little regard for anyone else. I should be used to this kind of thing by now, and in a way I am. The sudden change in how she acts is surprising, yes, but I find myself less shocked and more expecting. When it occurs I just shrug and say "Well that just happened" because honestly I know deep down that this person really does not care, but I always hold out hope that it could change.

So I continue on, offering my support for when it is eventually needed, which is just a matter of time. 
But seriously I doubt how much the kids need this man around who their mother calls useless, broke, selfish, ignorant. Can having a father who loves you with all his heart and wants nothing more than to be present in your life, but according to their mother contributes little else, really be all that helpful?

I wish I knew the answer.

Thankful Thursdays

Of all the things in the world I am enjoying at this moment there is one in particular that I do not give nearly enough credit and that is the state of Colorado. Yes I can and probably will mine this very broad subject for blog postings in the nearish future but for now I must say that Colorado as a whole is owed many a thank you from The Blake and today is that day.

Though moving here had been the plan a few years prior to it ever happening I had put it off over and over, after all thats a huge life change and it was not until my life essentially ended in California that I was able to start over here. Scary as that was I have almost no regrets of the location change and I wake every morning renewed with possibility and excitement. Even after nearly a year of living in Colorado I am constantly coming across new and amazing experiences with so much more to look forward to. I have only explored an incredibly small amount portion of Colorado so far and I am itching to get out there and see it all despite knowing that will take decades if not the rest of my lifetime. And though I still plan on visiting far off exotic locales I never forget that new experiences are right around the corner right where I am, all I have to do is be ready for them and keep my eyes open.

And the people of this great state! It is true that there have been some rude folks since moving here but I could say that about anywhere, but after meeting and making new friends and acquaintances whom I am genuinely intrigued and inspired by I am certain that there is no other place these people could exist. Traveling just minutes from Longmont, my now home town, I come to my new favorite city of Boulder. A place so filled with energy and creativity that just walking down the street gives me a new and wonderful experience. Random people strike up conversations and debates along Pearl, an act that might warrant harassment charges in California. The atmosphere is great I could think of no better place for me to raise Bug and Bubbas as the liberally open minded human beings I hope for them to become.

Though I have encountered sadness and maybe a smidge of loneliness since coming here I will never look back on the decision as anything less than a blessing. I needed a new life in a new place and what I got was an entirely new outlook on the universe and everything it contains. So on this day I say thank you Colorado, when I came here I was empty and with your help I am on a journey I no longer want to end.