Testy Tuesdays-Where for art thou mind

Direction, we all need it whether we like to admit it or not. Where to go, oh where to go. The mind is a funny thing, you can tell it what it wants over and over, but eventually your own mind can betray you.

In the end your brain knows what you want...and what you need are two very different paths.

Since letting go of what I wanted or rather what I believed I wanted, and letting life provide and direct me itself, doors have begun to open. Life is not the chore I once thought it. I can smile. I can smile and truly mean it.

So plans fall through. Yeah. Plans fall through and...so what? The world never stops spinning, your mind never stops making new plans, lets just keep on going forward. I have had to decide how personal this blog gets recently. Not because I was having issues with it, hell its my life and I like to be an open book no matter the picture it might paint of me, but apparently Miss Mama does not feel the same way. I try not to fib anymore, not beyond the whole "Santa is real" issue anyways, so I give the honest truth when I write and speak. It never really occurred to me that most people do not practice this and would take issue with how I do. So I had to make a decision on whether to censor myself because of Miss Mama and her need for privacy and after mild deliberation I have decided not to.

I am not ashamed of my life, I am a human being who makes mistakes, I am a human being with real emotions, this is my outlet, this is MY STORY. Miss Mama edited me out of hers and that is fine, that is someone else's story. Good and bad, these are my words and my life.

I will not edit something out of my story just because the narrative flow is not all roses and sunshine. I know now that the climax to my story did not end two years ago, that the way the story ends is not with a whimper.

It will not be for a very long time, but I will do my damnedest to end this party with a BANG.

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind

Somber Sundays- Fathers and Fallacy

Three steps forward, two steps back. That is how I feel my life progresses at times. Things change, an aspect I welcome now, but not all change can be taken in stride and I have trouble coping with some of it.

I am told that having a father around is better than none at all, that my being there for Bug and Bubbas is enough. Even if I am not fantastically wealthy, incredibly smart, or particularly good at anything at all. There are moments where I truly believe this, but those moments are made fewer and fewer with Miss Mammas new attitude.

I know that I should not pay any mind to what she says, that doing my best is all I should worry about, but when you give someone so much power for years of your life it is quite hard to reclaim that power. She really did make me believe we were friends, and would remain friends for the rest of our days. That we could raise the children together, enjoying their lives side by side, even if we could not enjoy each others lives the way we used to.

I was able to accept the moving on aspect of things given enough time. To be fair I had no real choice in the matter, once someone has decided to let you go there really is nothing you can do, but I was content with having a wonderful friendship.

This, of course, was just another misleading fallacy that Miss Mamma dangled in front of me. Yet another means to whatever end she has cooked up with little regard for anyone else. I should be used to this kind of thing by now, and in a way I am. The sudden change in how she acts is surprising, yes, but I find myself less shocked and more expecting. When it occurs I just shrug and say "Well that just happened" because honestly I know deep down that this person really does not care, but I always hold out hope that it could change.

So I continue on, offering my support for when it is eventually needed, which is just a matter of time. 
But seriously I doubt how much the kids need this man around who their mother calls useless, broke, selfish, ignorant. Can having a father who loves you with all his heart and wants nothing more than to be present in your life, but according to their mother contributes little else, really be all that helpful?

I wish I knew the answer.