Today I shall write about something very near and dear to my heart, a subject so important to my daily life that without it I would be utterly lost, disconnected from the world in a way I cannot even fathom. I am speaking of my cellular phone of course, her name is GERTY.
When I wake up in the morning it is to the sweet sound of GERTY's alarm buzzing gently on my night stand, as if to say "c'mon dude wake the fuck up or you might get fired" in the sweetest of tones. As I search the darkness of my room for the objects I require to leave the house I use a flashlight app to light my way and avoid turning on the lamp. As I exit the place I call home, earphones are connected to GERTY and wonderful music accompanies me during the journey to my place of employment.
While working I check the time constantly and schedule my breaks and lunch accordingly. While on said breaks and lunch I listen to Podcast radio shows, more music, and play stimulating educational video games. I browse the internet for new useless information and check my Facebook account 2354 times a day in fear of missing a notification that someone "liked" the picture of my pet lizard.
And throughout all of this I receive text messages from various friends and family, connecting me to the few other people I care to keep in touch with. Alas it is a sad truth that had it not been for these short form conversations I would have no social life to speak of beyond work and the occasional delivery from Tasty Asia (his name is George if I am not mistaken) so this is perhaps the most important feature of my GERTY. So I thank you Tmobile for charging me ridiculously obscene amounts of money and making me constantly contact customer service in exchange for keeping me connected and happy, for without you I would live a sad unfulfilled life where I had to actually communicate using the senses I was born with. What a horrible world that would be.....
Oh apparently you can also use phones to "speak" to other human beings, though this is merely speculation on my part.
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